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How Does Couples Therapy Improve Communication?

Strong relationship communication is one of the most valuable and desirable traits that couples seek in their marriage. There’s a wealth of information regarding couples therapy communication questions and how to apply them to your marriage. However, does couples therapy actually work to fix communication issues? It can—if both parties are willing to put in the work. With that in mind, let’s talk about improving communication skills and what to do when you can’t communicate with your partner. We’ll also answer questions like, “How do you fill the communication gap between couples?”

Can Couples Therapy Help with Communication?

Yes! The good news is couples therapy can help you and your partner work through any communication issues you may be facing in your relationship. In fact, learning how to communicate successfully with one another is one of the main goals of couples counseling. Poor communication is usually the crux of many relationship issues since it can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and even anxiety. That’s why strong communication is fundamental to the success of a marriage!

Of course, every couple faces different challenges, but what are some of the most common signs of bad communication in a relationship?

Listening to respond, rather than listening to understand
Responding reactively with your emotions rather than rationally
Raising your voice or yelling instead of talking in a calm voice
Showing negative non-verbal communication like facial expressions and body language
Blaming your partner for anything that goes wrong
Not taking a break when things get heated
Withdrawing from hard conversations

Understanding how you communicate with your spouse is essential to clearly voice any concerns you may have. It’s also important to remain open and vulnerable with your partner, which can be more difficult if one of you is following the patterns listed above. But you might be surprised to learn that communication is not typically the underlying cause of relationship problems. Often communication suffers when there is a loss of trust, a different set of priorities, and a lack of intimacy—among other things.

So if you’re wondering how to fix communication in a relationship, couples therapy can help. Licensed couples therapists, like those at Well Marriage Center, will help you focus on the root causes of your relationship problems and introduce healthy communication styles. During couples therapy, your therapist will be there to support you and your partner. They do this by encouraging you to be confident in your feelings, actively listen to each other, and feel empathy for one another. Your therapist will provide you and your partner with other strategies to communicate while also pointing out ineffective communication habits that might stem from deeper issues.

In general, couples therapy can help you focus on what is causing the communication problems. We know diving into your feelings can be difficult to talk about. You want to feel safe to be open and honest. But couples counseling can help you and your spouse to improve your communication skills while also providing you with a secure place to talk about sensitive or difficult topics. Your therapist will encourage discussions, assist you in using clearer language, and make sure that both parties feel heard and understood. Ultimately, they give you the tools to bridge any gap, including poor communication.

How Do You Fill the Communication Gap Between Couples?

You can “fill the communication gap” between you and your spouse by making time to communicate using skills like active listening, being honest and direct, and acknowledging difficulties when working through problems. Typically, it’s best to find the cause of these issues, rather than blame it all on communication. Keep in mind that improving communication in a relationship is a continuous process that needs the dedication and effort of both parties. You can create a stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling connection by cooperating and applying efficient communication techniques.

How Can You Improve Communication in a Relationship?

The best way to improve communication with your partner is to invest time in each other, whether through communication exercises or couples therapy. Every couple faces difficulty communicating at some point in their relationship. That’s okay! There are a few communication therapy techniques you can work through with your couples therapist to help make communication between you and your partner better, such as:

Practice active listening and understand your partner’s perspective
Express your feelings clearly and honestly using “I” statements
Be empathetic towards your partner and their feelings
Be mindful of nonverbal communication and how your body language expresses your emotions
Avoid being defensive and listen to your partner’s concerns
Acknowledge your part in any issues you’re facing
Find a solution or compromise together

Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you navigate these communication techniques while helping you discover the root of the problem. Has your partner cheated? Are you financially irresponsible? Do you have different parenting styles? What childhood traumas are you each bringing to the table? Each of these concerns can lead to poor communication between you and your spouse.

If you and your partner need to find your way back to one another, the therapists at Well Marriage Center can help you take a strengths-based approach to your marriage counseling. With the most experienced marriage counselors who have helped thousands of couples, you can find success in your relationship too. If you’d like to learn more, visit our website or set up an appointment with our intake coordinator, Melinda.

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How Can Couples Improve Their Communication?

in Communication

Every relationship has its ups and downs and many couples peg poor communication as the reason for those downs. Relationship communication can strengthen or weaken the bond between two partners depending on how effective it is. And while it is completely normal to have the occasional barrier when talking to one another, prolonged communication issues in relationships can lead to even bigger problems. Before you and your partner get to that point, there are some steps you can take to get your communication back on track. First, though, you need to understand where those problems stem from.

Why Do I Struggle to Communicate With My Partner?

There are several reasons why you may struggle to communicate with your partner. For one, you may not understand your own feelings. You may feel hurt, upset, distant, etc., but you don’t know why you feel that way. Without understanding why you feel the way you do, you have a much harder time conveying to your partner what you need. This can lead to frustration with your partner for misunderstanding you.

You may also struggle to communicate with your partner simply because you were taught growing up to communicate a particular way. Perhaps you were taught to internalize your feelings, which makes it much harder as an adult to communicate them. Or perhaps as a child you unknowingly developed unhealthy or aggressive communication habits or patterns. Additionally, some families have a culture of “asking” or of “guessing” when it comes to meeting needs and expressing wants. For example, some people feel around the edges of a question and feel a need to guess the answer because they don’t feel like it’s appropriate to ask for things directly. All of this can cause you to lash out at or pull away from your partner rather than looking both within yourself and at your partner’s perspective.

Fear can also make it harder for you to communicate with your partner. When you have very real, very raw feelings that you have to share, you have to be vulnerable. You open yourself up to being hurt and potentially hurting your partner. That thought alone can scare many from talking about their feelings. However, this vulnerability is necessary to build trust and forge a strong relationship with your partner.

No matter what reasons there are for the lack of communication in your relationship, know that it’s never too late to work through them. A trained couples therapist like ours here at Well Marriage Center will go beyond the communication exercises you may expect to uncover the root issue(s) behind your struggle to communicate. From there, you and your partner can both learn to heal and move forward together.

What Can a Couple Do to Develop Their Communication Skills?

There are a few ways to improve communication in a relationship, one of which is to take the time to think through why you feel the way you do and how best to communicate that to your partner. When you truly understand your feelings, you’ll have a much easier time expressing them to your partner. Remember that when you do, use an assertive style of communication as opposed to an aggressive one. This style emphasizes openness and honesty while also respecting your partner and their feelings as well. Respectful communication in relationships is the first step to understanding your partner and working through problems as a team rather than as opponents.

Part of respectful communication, too, is listening to your partner. That does not mean that you listen to figure out what you want to say next or to prove your point. Rather, it means listening with your heart open so that you can understand why your partner feels as they do or has been acting a particular way. Listening in this way will also allow you to empathize with your partner.

Once you share your feelings and listen to those of your partner, you’ll have a much simpler time finding common ground with them. That means that, even if you do not agree on something or have been hurt by the other person, you can compromise and make a plan to move forward. It means that no matter what problems arise or what disagreements you have, you are still in the person’s corner when they need you. Finding common ground breeds trust and respect in relationships.

Improving communication won’t happen overnight. And it’s completely normal to have no idea where to start or how to work through previous trauma. Many couples turn to marriage therapy and relationship counseling to help with improving their communication, and that’s a great step to take! We at Well Marriage Center want your relationship to succeed as much as you do. We will give you the support you need every step through your journey towards effective communication.

Well Marriage Center: The Place for Effective Couples Communication Therapy

If you and your partner want to learn how to overcome barriers in communication, turn to Well Marriage Center. Our therapists have worked with thousands of couples and have seen all sorts of styles of communication. They also know how to find the deeper issue causing your problems so that you not only work through your current slump in communication, but can better communicate in future disagreements as well. Get started with one of our therapists and see a world of difference in your relationship.

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What Are Healthy Communication Styles for Couples?

in Advice, Anger, Communication

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely heard “communication is key” for any healthy relationship. While that is true, there is a lot more to that idea than meets the eye. Communication, like a key, can open the door to your partner’s heart (and your own as well). But with that, it’s important to know that communication styles, like keys, aren’t universal. Some “keys” that work for certain people may not for others. Some “keys” are bad to use on any person. And the truth is, there is no one-size-fits all, “master key” for relationship communication. Every couple is different because each person is unique, carrying their own personalities, past traumas, and relationship needs. It’s up to the couples to figure that out—together.

So, how can loving couples learn which communication styles are “keys” for their relationship? Some of that knowledge develops naturally, as partners learn more about each other. But seeing a couples counselor is another great way to improve communication—and it’s not just for struggling couples, either. Therapists give you an objective, expert perspective, which can be helpful for any relationship, regardless of how new (or old) it is. One of the reasons for this is that therapists help couples understand—and practice—healthy communication. What are some healthy communication examples? Let’s go over a few basic guidelines together.

What Is Healthy Communication in a Relationship?

Ultimately, every relationship is unique, and so is each relationship’s version of healthy communication. But to get to that point, you must first establish ground rules that encourage respect, trust, and vulnerability. With that in mind, we at Well Marriage are happy to share a few good starting points.

Healthy communication in a relationship will almost always include the following:

Know yourself, and your needs—then share them. This is arguably the most important step, because you are the only person who is an expert on, well, you! In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking your partner is a mind-reader, or that they “should just know” what you need from them. It’s never good to assume your partner fully understands your needs or knows how their actions impact your feelings. This is especially true when dating someone with a different communication style than you (which we’ll cover later in this article). Knowing your relationship needs can be quite challenging, but a therapist can really help you discover them.
Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Listening to your partner is a sign of love and respect; it’s also an act of deep intimacy. But there is a clear difference between “hearing” what someone says and truly “listening.” Active listening involves devoting your attention not just to your partner’s words, but their tone, delivery, and other nonverbal cues. Listening also involves acknowledging your partner as they speak, withholding judgment until they’re finished talking, and asking questions to clarify what they say. Besides, if you’re already formulating your response as your partner is talking, you’re not only ignoring them, but you are acting on incomplete information. Listening can be especially challenging when you’re discussing something contentious or arguing, but that is perhaps when listening well is most important.
Speak through a lens of how things make you feel. Our feelings are not just deeply personal and unique to us, they also give our loved ones a roadmap for how to meet our needs. When your partner upsets you in some way, it can be tempting to criticize them. But not only is criticism unhealthy for a relationship, it will not help your partner understand what you want. Always try to express things through “I” statements, rather than “you” statements; this will help you center your emotions, rather than attacking your partner. An example of this is choosing to say “I feel hurt when you don’t help me clean the kitchen,” rather than, “you never want to help clean up.”
Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences. Truthfully, you will not always understand your partner’s emotions. And you will not always agree on how to interpret what happens in your relationship. But even in those times, it’s important to respect your partner’s feelings. Emotions cannot be “right” or “wrong”—they just are—so you must trust that your partner will speak authentically about their feelings. And likewise, they must trust you will do the same. Validating does not have to equal agreement, it can be as simple as expressing “I understand how that must make you feel.” From there, you can work on solutions or compromises.

What Communication Styles Are Needed for Healthy Relationships?

While every relationship’s specific communication patterns will vary, there is a general style that couples should aim for: assertive communication. Assertiveness is one of the four basic communication styles, which are:

Passive | Avoids conflict, often letting their partner make all the decisions

Aggressive | Embraces conflict, often dominating and controlling the relationship

Passive-Aggressive | Knows what they want but has trouble voicing it, leading to resentment

Assertive | Clearly expresses their needs and wants, while respecting others’ needs and wants

Assertive communication styles are direct but respectful. Being assertive means boldly expressing your feelings or desires and asking direct questions, while ensuring that others can do the same. But not everyone knows how to communicate assertively, and even if they do, they may still struggle with it or not know how to respond to assertive communications. Many people likely fall back onto one of the other communication styles—whether it’s from past trauma, unmet needs, or not being fully in touch with their emotions.

What Is the Hardest Communication Style To Deal With?

This is largely subjective, as each style can be hard to work with, for different reasons. Aggressive people can be domineering and stubborn, but passive people can feel inaccessible and “far away” to their partner. And passive-aggressive people tend to let things build up until they reach a boiling point. In each of these situations, an experienced therapist helps couples bridge the initial communication gap, then gives them the tools to do that on their own.

Learn Healthy Communication With Well Marriage

Communication is key, and with the right key, you and your partner can unlock the door to a better relationship. Our therapists can help you discover what “keys” will best fit your relationship and give you strategies to improve your communication daily. It can be challenging to know what to do when you struggle to communicate with your partner. Even if your relationship isn’t struggling, you may just want a way to deepen your relationship and have more intimacy. At Well Marriage, we’re passionate about giving couples the tools they need to build a happy, deep, thriving partnership—together.

If you’d like to learn more about how we can strengthen your relationship’s communication, reach out to us and schedule an appointment today!

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What Is Good Communication in a Relationship?

in Communication

Examples of poor communication in a relationship are easy to find. Chances are, you’ve been at both the receiving and giving end of these phrases and more:

“Do what you want.”
“I’m fine.”
“This is all your fault.”
“You never do anything right.”
“You always say that.”

The list goes on and on. These examples range from passive aggressive to aggressive and have one thing in common: they put you and your partner against each other rather than against the underlying problem. Signs of bad communication in a relationship can show up as:

Repeating arguments
Escalating feelings of resentment
Inability to work together for common goals
The silent treatment
Less emotional intimacy
One person pursues more conversation and the other keeps backing away
Nobody listens to the other

It’s also important to understand—and aim for—signs of good communication in a relationship:

Open body language
Intentional language use
Prioritizing conflict resolution
Active listening
Increased trust
Meeting your partner where they are
Actively expressing patience and understanding

Relationship communication takes work to improve–almost everyone picked up their communication habits as children and it can take awhile to rewire the brain for more effective adult communication. The good news is that there are steps that you and your partner can take to build a healthier relationship. From intentionally working on communication skills to working with a couples therapist, this blog covers what you can do to improve communication and focus on what really matters.

Why Is Communication Important in a Relationship?

One of the most noticeable effects of a lack of communication in a relationship is how it can cause other issues to spiral out of control. We end up assuming we know what the other person is thinking and what their motives are. We don’t feel understood, accepted, and appreciated when communication is off. Because of how communication affects all other areas of a relationship, couples often assume that a lack of communication causes any and all relationship issues. While this may be true to a certain extent, working on communication is the first step toward taking on more substantial challenges as a team.

How To Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship

Two common ways to improve communication in a relationship are to work with a marriage counselor or to focus on improving your communication skills with your partner. Either route will take dedication and engagement from both parties. You can use the following nine skills to help guide discussions with your partner in a productive way.

10 Important Communication Skills for Every Relationship

Communicate face-to-face. Technology can make communicating more convenient, but it can also make your intentions less clear. There are a lot of ways your partner could interpret a text. When speaking face-to-face, your tone of voice and body language give additional context to what you’re saying and listening to.

Choose a neutral space to communicate in. Choosing the best space to have difficult conversions in is important for two reasons. First, it’s best to avoid having negative experiences in rooms like the bedroom or kitchen. Second, certain spaces may give you or your partner the “home field advantage.” For example, having arguments in your home office may encourage you to speak to your partner as though they are a coworker and not your spouse; this can make communication less effective.

Talk about the big and little things. It can be tempting to only discuss major challenges like financial dilemmas, but it’s just as important to talk about smaller issues. That way, you can work out a solution with your spouse before they grow into something worse.

Talk about fun things, too. If you and your partner only talk when it’s time for an argument, then you’ll be more likely to avoid communicating with each other. Be sure to share exciting plans, funny moments from your day, and things that you appreciate about your partner.

Give your full attention to your partner. During important talks, focusing on your partner, what you’re discussing, and how they feel about it is a must. That way, you can respond in constructive ways, rather than escalating conflicts due to a misunderstanding.

Allow your partner to express themselves. You and your partner each have unique and valid perspectives. Listen to understand their viewpoint instead of looking for an opportunity to interrupt and respond. Doing so will make your partner feel valued, and you will gain a better understanding of their perspective.

Use “I” statements. This skill will help you communicate your own feelings about a topic, just like giving your partner time to speak allows them to share their thoughts. Using “I” statements also helps you avoid trying to place blame on your partner with “you” statements.

Be honest. Hiding important details or feelings may be tempting in the short-run, but being upfront about how a situation impacts your relationship gives you and your partner more time to find a solution. Otherwise, that problem could grow until it’s too difficult to hide.

Keep things in perspective. In the heat of an argument, small things can feel like deal-breakers. Dirty dishes, socks laying on the floor, and other issues can add fuel to the fire and distract from the problem at hand. Of course, the small things matter, too, so you can set aside another time to discuss them.

Take a break. Learn to recognize when things are going nowhere and take a beat. If your partner has disengaged, pursuing the conversation further will likely upset you both. If your discussion is spiraling into conflict, take a break. Reassess what is important and set a time to come back to it when you’re both prepared for calm and open discussion.

How Do You Fix Bad Communication in a Relationship?

Communication is hard, and relationships with poor communication may have a more difficult time overcoming significant challenges. Couples can benefit from a safe and guided space to learn these essential communication skills and work through difficult situations with a mediator. This is exactly what marriage counseling and couples therapy can provide.

In relationship therapy, we examine why we communicate our needs the way we do. Where did our style start? Does this style still work for us now as adults? Both partners will examine these origins and how the two styles work together, for better or worse. You’ll come out on the other side with a clearer understanding of how to express your own needs, how to hear your partner’s needs, and how to meet in the middle.

See how a change in communication can start your relationship on the path forward. Schedule an appointment today with Well Marriage Center today.

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What Are the Stages of Affair Recovery?

in Affair Recovery, Affairs, Anger

If you’ve cheated or been cheated on, you’re not alone. According to Psychology Today, “about 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women report that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.”

Why do people cheat? It can happen for a range of reasons, like feeling neglected, growing bored, or simply one partner falling out of love with the other. Often, it’s not easy to even figure out the root cause or causes, making affair recovery a tricky endeavor—and one that’s best left to a qualified marriage or couples counselor.

While people’s reasons for cheating may be complex and difficult to untangle, there’s hope. The aftermath of an affair is a rollercoaster of painful emotions that can have devastating, long-term effects if not handled appropriately. Once you understand the stages of healing after infidelity and find the right counselor to help you navigate them through your unique situation, recovery should start to feel like a real possibility.

Note: we use “marriage” and “couples” counseling interchangeably, as we’re here to support any committed relationship that is in distress. We hope you can find this information useful, regardless of legal status or how you personally label your relationship.

How Do You Start the Healing Process After an Affair?

Even though it can cause deep feelings of betrayal and hurt, infidelity does not have to mean the end of the marriage or relationship. That being said, getting past the initial trauma can feel overwhelming in the early stages after an affair has been discovered.

The best advice in the immediate aftermath of affair discovery is to work past the urge to lash out, which typically only makes things worse. Instead, it’s important to take a breath, give each other some space, and avoid making any rash decisions in the moment.

When you’re ready to begin the process of mending the relationship, you’ll want to bring a couples therapist into the conversation. Especially if they specialize in affair recovery, a counselor will be able to help guide you down the path toward reconciliation and healing. The best part? “When both partners are committed to real healing, most couples survive and many marriages become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy,” according to Mayo Clinic.

Even for couples who have decided to split after the discovery of infidelity, working with a specialized clinician can help people overcome the damaging, long-term emotional and mental distress that follows.

What Are the Stages of Healing After an Affair?

The five main infidelity recovery stages, which run parallel to the general stages of grief, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial: In this stage, both partners struggle to make sense of what’s occurred. For the cheater, this might mean being surprised by their own error and the hurt they’ve caused. For the partner who’s been cheated on, this stage involves processing the initial feelings of betrayal after an affair. A counselor will help you to better understand the reasons the affair occurred, a crucial first step in the healing process.
Anger: Understandably, the partner who’s been cheated on is going to be in a great deal of pain, with feelings of anger, embarrassment, and a drop in self-worth. The cheater likely feels some guilt and shame, too. Anger, often considered a secondary emotion, is likely to have its roots in deeper feelings like hurt and confusion. Working with a counselor helps to ensure that discussions remain civil and that each partner can work through their thoughts and feelings in a safe, judgment-free environment.
Bargaining: During this stage, partners are likely to question various circumstances and possible causes behind the affair. Left to their own devices, many people internalize the blame, thinking things like “If only I had (or hadn’t) done [X], maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” It can result in a series of negative thoughts that ruminate in your mind if you’re not careful. When you work with an affair recovery counselor, they’ll help to make sure each partner feels heard and understood—and that neither partner falls into any sort of unproductive blame spirals.
Depression: As betrayal’s full impact comes into focus, depression tends to follow. What does it feel like? It feels like hurt, sadness, and doubt. You can begin to doubt yourself and others. It can even feel hopeless and like the past was a lie. An affair recovery counselor understands how to navigate these proverbial seas of pain and can help couples to keep lines of communication (and healing) open. This way, neither partner is left to dwell too long in this stage.
Acceptance: While no quality counselor will tell you to just “accept” what happened or to “get over it,” their job is to help determine what healing looks like for your unique situation. This stage is more about reflection and potential forgiveness than it is about finality or closure. Part of acceptance can also be accepting what was broken in the relationship before the affair, and creating a tailored plan with your therapist to make sure the next stage of your relationship journey is stronger and more vibrant.

For a deeper dive into each of these stages and how to work through them, this Gottman Institute article is a great resource.

What Kind of Trauma Does Cheating Cause?

The intense feelings of betrayal that follow infidelity define a particular type of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) known as post traumatic infidelity syndrome. Symptoms of this disorder can include:

Rumination and recurring thoughts
Traumatic recall (flashbacks)
Emotional numbness
Avoidance, isolation, and withdrawal
Anxiety and depression
Insomnia
Erosion of trust

It’s important to note that the list above is not necessarily complete, but goes to illustrate the wide range of effects infidelity can bring about. Working with a qualified marriage counselor is the best way to explore and begin unpacking the effects of trauma. A counselor will also help you build a better, more sustainable future through the development of better communication, trust, and intimacy. Gaining insight and creating a plan with a specialist will help keep you and your relationships with others from being defined by a traumatic affair.

How Long Does It Take To Recover From Infidelity Trauma?

While every couple and every marriage is different, experts generally agree that it takes “months, even years, to successfully rebuild trust” after infidelity. Trauma is a tricky, tricky thing, and everyone experiences it differently. Some people are predisposed to feeling deeply hurt in certain situations, while others might have more resilience or an ability to “move on” more quickly.

Working with a marriage counselor who specializes in affair recovery helps with this process by:

Understanding and validating each partner’s feelings, needs, and priorities
Finding common ground between partners
Setting clear expectations for the recovery process
Helping to determine root causes and appropriate solutions
Creating a safe environment for vulnerability and sharing
Identifying what boundaries should be set after infidelity to rebuild trust

Affair Recovery Starts With a Single Call—to Well Marriage Center

At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery counselors are ready and waiting to help couples start the healing and reconciliation process and work toward rediscovering their love.

We take a strengths-based approach to affair recovery, one that’s designed to rebuild trust and help couples reconnect, get back on track, and develop strategies to help ensure that you can stay on track. It doesn’t have—and shouldn’t—feel hopeless!

Even for couples who do not choose to stay and work on their relationship after an affair, a specialized counselor can help one or both partners unpack, heal, and plan for their futures, so the baggage of affair trauma doesn’t snowball into longer-term issues.

Every journey begins with a single step, so get in touch with our team today.

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Stages of Healing After Infidelity

in Affair Recovery, Affairs

We understand that affairs hurt. If you are struggling with the effects of infidelity in your relationship, the first thing to know is that you are absolutely not alone. Infidelity is one of the biggest reasons many couples seek out marriage counseling, and working through the complex emotions that come with cheating is much easier with professional help that specializes in affair recovery.

The good news is that many couples are able to work through the intense pain caused by infidelity and go on to have happy and fulfilling relationships or marriages. This is especially true when both partners want the relationship to continue and are willing to put in the time and work it takes to process through the stages of healing after infidelity.

Even when couples decide to break up after an affair, therapeutic healing can help each individual with the damaging emotions and trauma, like shame, anger, grief, and even PTSD that follows.

People who are dealing with infidelity want to know things like “How long does the pain from infidelity last?” Because the desire to know how and when you might be able to recover from cheating is so common, let’s look at several ways to think about the stages of affair recovery. These include:

the betrayed spouse cycle
the stages of grief after infidelity
the stages of couples therapy after infidelity

These different breakdowns of how recovery can look give a helpful framework for many people to understand what may be in store for them. But it’s important to remember that rebuilding your relationship after cheating will not be a perfectly linear path, and each couples’ experiences will be unique to them.

What Are the Stages of Recovery from Infidelity?

There are four common stages that the betrayed spouse often goes through when dealing with infidelity, sometimes also called the betrayed spouse cycle. Although there aren’t exact timelines for how long each stage lasts, they do typically occur in this order.

Discovery – Ground zero,when a partner first learns about the affair. This includes feelings of shock, confusion, and disbelief.
Reaction – After processing the initial shock, the betrayed spouse experiences a rollercoaster of emotional reactions, often including anger, fear, distrust, denial, and obsessive thoughts.
Beginning to Forgive – When the initial reactions and emotions have been worked through, partners can start to examine and accept why the cheating happened and start to think about the future of the relationship.
Recommitment and Reconciliation – Partners are able to move past the affair and create the new version of their relationship with infidelity as just one piece of their overall story.

What Are the 5 Stages of Grief With Infidelity?

After the shock and discovery of unfaithfulness, grief is a common emotion. The partner that was cheated on will likely mourn the loss of the relationship as they knew it, and the broken trust that comes with the betrayal. They often wonder if everything about their partnership was a lie. But do the cheaters grieve, too? Oftentimes yes. The person who was unfaithful is also dealing with a complicated set of emotions that can include shame, guilt, grief, and sadness.

Many people struggling to deal with infidelity find it helpful to apply the idea of the stages of grief to their cheating spouse reaction. Although not everyone experiences each stage and they can occur in any order, these stages are:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

It can be a real challenge for couples to deal with all the strong emotions infidelity brings up for both parties. It’s important to center the needs of the betrayed spouse while not neglecting the emotional turmoil that the unfaithful partner is experiencing. This approach helps a couple move together through this process. Helping each partner share their truth is something a professional therapist trained in infidelity recovery will help couples navigate.

This framework typically applies most during the reaction stage of infidelity recovery and relates to the impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse. During this phase especially, working with an experienced marriage counselor can be vital. It is extremely important that the person who was cheated on is given the support they need to process their understandable emotions, while also protecting the relationship as a whole so partners have the option to reconcile. This is a very delicate balance and will be made much easier if there is a neutral moderator in attendance.

What Are the Stages of Marriage Counseling After Cheating?

At Well Marriage, our experienced clinicians don’t necessarily all follow one specific approach, because every situation is different. But there is a rhythm of how a specialist will work with couples after affairs. This can be broken down into two stages.

Stage One: Emoting

There will be strong emotions on both sides after infidelity is discovered. If a couple is willing to work with a therapist to try and save their relationship or marriage, that does not mean that one or both partners don’t still have many strong emotions about the situation. Understandably, the betrayed spouse often feels hurt and angry, and wonders what happens if the pain of infidelity never goes away. At the same time, the partner who stepped out is often wrestling with their own feelings of unworthiness, guilt, and defensiveness.

During this stage, an inexperienced counselor or friends that a couple might confide in for support tend to focus on the problem. Discussions can spiral out of control quickly. Unguided personal attacks on the cheating partner and other unproductive negative conversations about the relationship as a whole can irreparably damage the relationship.

But a couples therapist who is experienced in guiding people through these conversations can help protect both partners and the relationship as a whole. This can be similar to a delicate dance, allowing each individual to share their emotions without making it harder for them to ultimately reconcile if that is what they choose. A therapist can help the partner who was cheated on share their complex emotions AND the cheating partner hear it in a way that’s helpful to them and to the relationship going forward.

Stage Two: Root Causes and Next Steps

Once the biggest and most intense emotions have been worked through, the next stage of therapy is to look at what was happening in the relationship before the cheating. This isn’t done to justify the cheater’s actions or minimize the emotions of either spouse. Instead it’s to allow them to work together to find a way forward after infidelity in a healthier and closer way. This is a time when a trained therapist can help the partners identify patterns of behavior in the relationship that weren’t working before and give each person skills to deal with them differently.

Let’s look at a hypothetical example of a common scenario we see in infidelity recovery. Marcia and Tim have been married for 10 years and have two young kids. Marcia’s main focus in this life stage is on meeting all the needs of the children, and there isn’t enough time for her to also focus on her romantic relationship with her husband. Tim doesn’t have the emotional maturity or skills to identify his need for more connection or to take the lead on it himself. Tim is unfaithful to Marcia in a misguided attempt to meet his own emotional needs. He then feels intense guilt and shame for his actions and confesses the infidelity. Tim knows he wants his marriage to continue, and he finds a marriage counselor to help.

After the strongest emotions have been unpacked during stage one of Marcia and Tim’s counseling, their therapist guides them into stage two. The counselor helps them learn to identify their emotional issues as they are happening, instead of coasting along without connection through their relationship. They acquire new skills of asking for what they each need, and slowly build back trust in the partnership. Together, Marcia and Tim rebuild a stronger marriage where everyone’s needs are met in a healthy and productive way.

Although this story has been generalized and simplified, this kind of result really does happen for thousands of couples who have worked through infidelity recovery with Well Marriage Counseling. Infidelity is a huge hurdle for couples to cross, but with the right support and willing participation of both partners, it is absolutely possible for relationships to come out stronger on the other side.

Our therapists get letters from couples months after their therapy journey has ended, telling us that affair recovery was the gateway to a fuller, better relationship. That it was the “shock to the system” that made them really come together and ask the hard questions about if they should stay together and what they wanted their relationship to look like in the long run.

This isn’t true in every case, but if both partners know they want to try and save their relationship and are willing to come to therapy and put in the effort, there is a lot of hope for healing. At Well Marriage Counseling, we are a relationship positive space and will work with you to save your relationship if that’s what both parties want. We have seen firsthand the positive results that are possible with the right kind of help, and we want to help you get there too.

Does Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

For the partner who has just discovered their spouse’s unfaithfulness, the rollercoaster of emotions can be overwhelming and debilitating. You might find yourself asking questions like:

How long does the shock of infidelity last?
How do I stop obsessing over being cheated on?
How do I let go of pain caused by infidelity?

The answers are that the pain caused by this betrayal will take time to lessen and will always be part of the story of this relationship. But it lessens significantly as time goes on. The shock and disbelief will last a relatively short time, typically during the first discovery stage. Then, as a person moves into the reaction phase and processes their feelings with a therapist, they can come to terms with the infidelity so that it no longer is the defining feature of the relationship or their own, personal life story.

The long-term infidelity effects have been likened to a ball, bouncing inside a box. At first the infidelity has huge power and energy, and bounces off the walls causing pain almost continually. But over time, it lessens and only bumps into a wall occasionally, until it finally stops altogether. The ball will always be inside the box, just like the affair will always be a part of the relationship story. But it will eventually lose most of its power to hurt, and the relationship will no longer be defined by this cheating.

What Is a Good Way to Start Healing After An Affair?

Getting help from someone experienced in affair recovery is a good first step. Going through the trauma, PTSD, and harmful emotions of an affair is a big deal, and getting the right help matters. Infidelity and affair recovery is one of the most common relationship and marital challenges we encounter at Well Marriage Center, and we have helped thousands of couples work through it and come out stronger on the other side. Even if ending the marriage is the final decision of the couple, having the care and support of a knowledgeable therapist can help both partners find the healing they need to move forward separately.

Although the pain of infidelity can feel insurmountable, there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. Contact us today to begin your healing journey. You can also read more about this on our blog or find a therapist near you.

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Can Marriage Be Saved After Infidelity?

in Affair Recovery, Affairs

Yes, you can save your marriage after infidelity if both partners are committed to repairing the relationship.

Affair recovery takes serious work and transparency, but it is possible. And if you’re wondering, “Can therapy help with cheating?” The answer is, absolutely.

Our experienced counselors at Well Marriage Center have successfully guided many couples through the stages of healing after infidelity. A big part of what we do is help partners get to, and make a plan to fix, the root causes and dynamics that led to cheating. So much healing can happen when both sides reach a true understanding of the other, from why the offender cheated to an exploration of the victim’s hurt.

We’ve gathered the top six mistakes we see from both parties in affair recovery so that you can avoid these pitfalls yourself. Remember, it won’t be an easy process, but with the right attitudes and a lot of work, you two can make your marriage stronger than it’s ever been.

6 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

People are more likely to make rash decisions when emotions are high after one partner discovers the other is being unfaithful. These high emotions can include anger and lashing out, humiliation, and decreased feelings of self-worth for both partners. When our feelings are going through such a roller coaster, it’s easy to fall into common, human mistakes that make the already traumatic situation worse long-term. Consider these six most common mistakes our counselors see from couples going through affair recovery:

1. Pretending Everything Is Normal

Your relationship or marriage will never be the same after infidelity. This realization will probably hurt at first, but it’s also helpful to acknowledge. The betrayed partner is likely furious and devastated, and they may even feel some detachment after infidelity. They want to know how to stop overthinking after being cheated on and move forward with their life. The offender must consistently show they take responsibility for their actions in multiple ways. For example, they may need to increase communication about where they are and who they are with to show their partner that they will not be a repeat offender.

2. Confronting the Affair Partner

Finding out your partner cheated on you usually results in an explosion of powerful emotions. Looking to direct those feelings somewhere, folks sometimes feel justified confronting the “other” person. In most cases, this confrontation will only make marriage reconciliation harder. You may learn things you’d prefer not to know or even encourage that person to pursue your spouse. There are some circumstances where a confrontation may be necessary, however. For example, a confrontation will likely be unavoidable if the victim regularly interacts with the affair partner.

3. Not Cutting off Contact With the Affair Partner

The offender must choose to cut off all contact with their affair partner. Note we said “choose.” The choice to officially leave their affair partner needs to be theirs alone. If they feel like they don’t want to stop contacting their affair partner, then they need to reconsider why they’re in a marriage to someone else in the first place. Offenders who are fully committed to cutting off the other person should discuss with their spouse how they plan to get this person out of their lives, like blocking them on their cell phone and social media.

4. Taking Revenge

We know you really want to dig your keys into the side of their pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive—but don’t do it, to your partner or the person they cheated with. Acts of revenge will only provide a short-lived feeling of satisfaction, and they do not contribute to healing after an affair (no matter what Ms. Carrie Underwood says). Revenge further deteriorates trust between partners and will likely add to feelings of shame and embarrassment.

5. Asking For Too Much or Too Little Information

The betrayed spouse needs to consider how much they want to know about the affair. Some information will only be painful to learn and hinder moving forward, like asking if the sex was “good.” However, you also don’t want a surprising, painful detail to come out about the affair years down the road. A good balance between these two is finding out how long the affair was going on. This question will reveal how serious your partner was about this person—was it a year-long affair with regular meetings, or was it a one-time mistake? The healing process will look different depending on your partner’s answer to this question. A counselor who specializes in affair recovery will be able to tailor your recovery journey based on this and other information.

6. Not Seeking Professional Therapy

Staying married after infidelity is not easy, but a marriage counselor with years of experience and education can make it much easier. They will guide you through the chaotic impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse as well as the offender.

Many couples suffering from an affair come to us at Well Marriage Center feeling hopeless. We get it, and if you feel this way, please know your feelings are entirely normal and valid. However, simply showing up to marriage counseling is a step in the right direction.

Our counselors have helped couple after couple recover from infidelity by encouraging patience, honesty, care, and a willingness to make necessary changes. These results are the beauty of our strengths-based counseling approach, as we do everything we can to help you focus on the positives of your relationship and rebuild trust and love in a lasting way.

If you want to save your marriage through counseling after infidelity, schedule an appointment with us. Our intake coordinator, Melinda, can answer any questions you may have about our process. We look forward to meeting you and working together to restore the trust and love in your marriage.

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What To Expect in Couples Therapy After Infidelity

in Affair Recovery, Affairs, Marriage Counseling

If you’ve found this article, you’re likely in a difficult place with your romantic partner.

Infidelity can be a staggering blow to any relationship, and the resulting pain can make infidelity recovery seem all but impossible. Maybe you’ve recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, or maybe you were the one who was unfaithful. You may be wondering, “Is recovery possible? Can therapy help with cheating? And is it even worth trying?”

We certainly think so. Every situation is different, but if both partners are willing to take that leap of faith together, the relationship already has a much better chance. While the road to recovery will undoubtedly be challenging, at Well Marriage Center we believe that it is a challenge worth facing, and thanks to couples therapy, you don’t have to face it alone.

Even if you’re ready to take that next step, infidelity therapy can be a scary thought. If that fear and uncertainty is something you find yourself feeling, we’re here to help. Let’s start with the basics of infidelity therapy, including common starting points for healing, goals for couples therapy after infidelity, and more. Before we get into what those steps are, let’s set some expectations about recovery that will help you keep perspective and maintain hope throughout the process.

How Do You Heal From Infidelity Trauma?

Ultimately, every relationship’s circumstances are different, so the exact road to recovery will vary for each couple. Regardless of what your starting point is, here are a few things to keep in mind as you embark on this journey together:

Honesty Is Key

Transparency after cheating is not only important, but critical. Couples whose partners are willing to open up about their mistakes leading up to an affair have a much higher chance of repairing things. While it will likely be painful to discuss not just the infidelity but the relationship as a whole, without a willingness to be transparent, recovery is effectively impossible.

The Healing Process Is Non-Linear

The feeling of “one step forward, two steps backward” is common in any kind of therapy, much less couples therapy. That being said, the road to recovery is not a straight shot, but a winding, snaking path with many hills, dark tunnels, and points where a clear end may not be in sight. This is not only normal, but an expected part of the experience. While it’s important to validate the feelings that result, it’s just as important to remember that all parts of this road lead to a better relationship.

Infidelity Is Complex

“Rebuilding trust” is often something that comes up in people’s minds when addressing infidelity. While trust certainly must be rebuilt after an affair, infidelity is usually not as simple as one partner being untrustworthy. More often than not, cheating is a symptom of a more chronic, deep-seated issue that needs to be addressed, even if the couple doesn’t realize it at first. This could be a lack of communication, needs not being met, or any variety of other problems that occur between partners. Trust and transparency are both important, yes, but they are just pieces of the puzzle—a puzzle that will need to be solved by both partners, together.

If you can keep these things in mind as you approach couples therapy, your relationship will be able to more easily weather the trials ahead. One of the many reasons not to divorce after infidelity is that if a couple is able to take the necessary healing steps to move forward, they often emerge even closer and healthier as a partnership. Cheating, then, does not have to be the crushing blow to a relationship, but the shock that helped two individuals come together in a healing space, improving things in the long run. However, even if a couple decides to separate after infidelity, there are a number of therapeutic steps that can be taken to minimize and manage the PTSD, shame, and other damaging emotions that emerge.

Now that we’ve covered basic guidelines, let’s talk more about the steps toward that healing space.

What Are the Steps for Healing Infidelity?

While every situation is different, there are some general guidelines to how recovery happens. So, how do therapists handle affairs? No matter the relationship, the first two steps to recovery are generally the same:

Typically, the first step is to let the person who was cheated on express their feelings. People who learn their partner was unfaithful will be experiencing a myriad of emotions—shock, unworthiness, sadness, anger, or even shame—and unpacking each of these feelings with a therapist’s help is important for both them and their partner. It will likely be difficult not just for that person to express these feelings, but also for their partner to hear them expressed. A therapist can really help couples process these complex emotions, as well as understand their partner’s emotions.

Once feelings have been expressed, the next step is to address what was happening before the affair. Here is where we can begin to understand what the relationship was like, and what may have led to the infidelity. This, of course, is not to excuse cheating because of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, nor is it to invalidate the feelings of the person who was unfaithful. In order to progress, both partners need to be able to examine what was happening in their relationship, and be fully honest about how they’ve arrived at this point. Here, a therapist can mediate that process by ensuring both partners’ feelings are validated and by maintaining healthy communication patterns.

Both of these processes can take some time to fully get through, and as stated above, they may need to be revisited several times, but it’s important to see them through each time. After these two steps, the healing journeys diverge greatly depending on the relationship. No matter what comes next, though, if you’re able to stay transparent, listen to your partner, and examine some hard truths about your relationship, the outcome will most certainly be worth the effort.

If you’re ready to put forth that effort, Well Marriage Center is here to help you. The recovery process for infidelity is tough, but with the right guidance, your relationship can not only survive, but be stronger than ever. Don’t give up hope for a brighter future. Schedule an appointment with us today.

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Is Marriage Counseling Worth It After Infidelity?

in Affair Recovery, Affairs, Anger

Yes—it certainly is. If you’re wondering “Can therapy help with cheating, really?” we at Well Marriage Center are here to tell you that recovery is not only possible, but easier to start than you might think. We’re happy to share some things about how helpful marriage counseling can be for any partnership.

Overcoming infidelity can feel impossible—whether you’re the one who was cheated on or the one who was unfaithful. Marriage counseling gives couples a much better chance at affair recovery. If both partners are willing to approach the healing process together with transparency, vulnerability, and an open ear, there are very few things that cannot be worked through. While recovery will be a challenging endeavor, with the right therapist by your side, the process of healing infidelity wounds is more than possible. Let’s answer some common questions partners may have about infidelity, including:

What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity?
How do therapists help couples heal their marriage?
Will my marriage ever be the same again?

How Can Couples Rebuild After Cheating?

Healing starts with each partner committing to repairing the relationship. A therapist can help with this commitment by providing a space where each person can explain what they need to feel heard, seen, and have their feelings validated throughout the process. While couples technically can work on their relationship without a therapist, having a relationship-friendly counselor provides a more objective, professional perspective from someone with a vast amount of experience.

Additionally, therapists provide exercises or frameworks to guide couples through their unique situations, all while creating a neutral space to discuss the marriage. The initial path to recovery is somewhat universal, but that will begin to diverge quickly as couples address the specifics of their partnership. A therapist uses their many techniques to approach infidelity recovery in a way that is just right for you and your partner.

*Even if a couple decides to separate after such a traumatic shock, therapy can help them overcome the long-term effects of infidelity as individuals.

How Do Therapists Handle Affairs?

Couples therapy after infidelity will generally start with two steps: allowing the partner who was cheated on to express their feelings, then examining what was going on before the cheating occurred.

During the first step, therapists provide space for the partner who was cheated on to openly express their emotions, often while their partner is listening. This step can be quite painful for both partners, which only underlines why having a counselor present is helpful. Feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, and even embarrassment are all complex things to understand alone, or even with your partner. But with the outside perspective of a counselor, these feelings are easier to unpack and understand.

The second step involves looking at the relationship as a whole, prior to the cheating. Here, we begin to understand what patterns existed before and how each partner was perhaps not having their needs met in the marriage. Having a counselor present ensures that both sides have their feelings validated, and that even the person who cheated is able to express themselves. Then, a plan for recovery can form.

Each of those steps will have their own timeline, and each of them may require revisiting multiple times. The healing process is non-linear, but with commitment, there is a way to a better future. While the beginning process is essentially universal, the step-by-step stages of forgiving infidelity will look different for each partnership—and each partner.

Can a Relationship Go Back to Normal After Infidelity?

Yes and no. While moving forward is definitely possible, it’s important to know that your marriage will need to change, and in some ways, it already has. Cheating is a massive shock to a marriage, but this shock does not have to define the marriage forever. If anything, cheating can sometimes be the catalyst to a much deeper connection—one that is forged through undergoing an intentional healing process.

Many couples who suffer from infidelity emerge with an even better relationship, but that requires leaving old ways behind. Remember, therapy is not about going back to the way things were—that’s what led the relationship to its current state. What you really want is to establish a new ‘normal’—a better ‘normal’ that encourages healthy communication, vulnerability, and addressing each partner’s needs. And with a therapist’s help, this new normal is entirely achievable.

Ready To Move Forward? Well Marriage Is Here

No matter how dark things seem, there is always hope for a brighter day. Well Marriage is here for you and your partner, and together we can build a road to that brighter day for your partnership. When you’re ready, reach out to Melinda and schedule an appointment. We’ll be here when you need us.

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Can Therapy Help with Cheating?

in Affair Recovery, Affairs, Sex Therapy, Trauma

There are plenty of compelling reasons not to divorce after infidelity and reasons not to separate in a broader sense. These can range from practical considerations (like quality of life and how divorcing or breaking up might impact any children) to equally legitimate, emotional-driven reasons (like each partner’s happiness).

Ultimately, couples want to know: can a relationship work after cheating occurs? In short, yes. Affair recovery therapy provides a strengths-based framework to help both partners better understand and heal their emotional wounds, rebuild trust and intimacy, and develop strategies for getting the relationship back on track, all of which can be incredibly difficult due to the emotional rollercoaster that is the aftermath of an affair.

If you’re reading this, you probably have a lot of questions. Asking the right questions is the first step toward healing, so keep reading for answers to some of the questions we hear most often.

Will Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

When we talk about the pain of affairs, it’s important to remember that both parties are likely to be confused and hurt. An effective therapist will provide a safe environment for both to emote and express their truest feelings. That’s why affair recovery typically requires marriage counseling or couples therapy—not that there isn’t value in some components of individual therapy for infidelity recovery. Individuals who see a couples therapist once they’ve decided to break up can effectively manage the fallout of cheating in a much healthier way than those who don’t.

For many, this will cause more than a little anxiety: for example, wondering what the other person is saying in any one-on-one time they might have with the therapist can be very unnerving. However, it’s crucial for those seeking affair recovery therapy to understand that they’re going to have to trust their therapist, who’s there to support both parties and work on the relationship. After all, they’ve almost certainly dealt with more cases of infidelity than you have, and have a whole arsenal of tools, techniques, and resources specially tailored to this type of recovery. At Well Marriage Center, our team leverages a strengths-based approach to help you navigate the rough waters of affair recovery.

How Do You Heal from Infidelity Trauma?

Once an affair has been revealed, it’s time for the understanding to begin so that healing can take place. An effective therapy plan for infidelity recovery tends to consist of two key stages:

Stage 1 is all about airing out and validating each partner’s emotions. This stage can be difficult, but it provides an absolutely vital foundation for infidelity recovery. Each party needs to feel their emotions and express their truths, fully and un-rushed, and both need to demonstrate commitment to processing what’s happened. This stage typically leads to a pair of outcomes—the person who cheated needs to atone, unconditionally, and both partners need to express a willingness to begin the healing process and work toward forgiveness.
In Stage 2, a marriage therapist will help the couple to really explore what’s beneath the surface, like the different factors that may have contributed to the dynamic or led to the affair, many of which hide beneath the surface. For example, has one partner fallen out of love? Was one partner feeling neglected or unappreciated? Has the relationship lost the luster of its honeymoon phase, causing one or both partners to question it? (Occasionally one partner doesn’t outgrow the honeymoon phase when the other does.) This stage isn’t about assigning blame. Rather, it’s about getting all the puzzle pieces out on the table. A therapist will then help the couple to understand how they might be able to reassemble their puzzle and start rebuilding trust.

If you’re considering marriage counseling as a means to working through infidelity and rekindling the relationship, it is fully natural to feel a little hopeless. A therapist qualified to deal with infidelity recovery will anticipate a wide range of emotions, many of which may be new to you, or at least more intense than you’re used to.

There is, however, a general pattern that applies. In many ways, we tend to “grieve” when the relationship reaches a certain state, so the stages of grief also apply to affair recovery:

Shock/Denial: We know that most people don’t set out to have an affair, which only serves to make it that much more difficult to understand—and process—without the help of a trained therapist. As humans, when we don’t understand something, it often leaves us feeling lost and directionless, which can turn to hopelessness. As a therapist helps to illuminate the reasons or events that led to infidelity, the shock and denial subside. Then, a shift toward finding solutions can begin in earnest. They’ll help you to fully experience your shock, work through your denial, and start down the path toward healing and recovery.

Anger: Any time someone we consider a best friend and/or trusted confidant lets us down, anger is a fully natural response. Without working through this anger and any associated feelings, it’s going to be exceptionally difficult to move past it. What a lot of people don’t realize is that anger is often considered a secondary emotion, with its true roots in feelings like fear (of losing control, perhaps) or sadness (about the potential demise of a relationship). Your therapist will help you understand this, identify strategies that align with your primary emotions, and provide a foundation to constructively explore these dynamics.

Bargaining: After the shock and anger subside, the reality of the situation starts to really set in. No one wants to feel like their time, energy, and love have been all for naught, so it’s natural to begin rationalizing the situation in an attempt to recapture a better dynamic. At a certain point, the human brain can’t resist trying to provide answers. “Maybe if I would have [done Thing X], this never would have happened.” Responses like these are often reactive, and are not the epiphanies they may seem. Bargaining is just our natural way, perhaps, of seeking explanations for things that feel unexplainable. A therapist will anticipate this, and work to keep things on a productive course.

Depression: In the context of infidelity recovery, depression can take on a number of forms. For some people, the loss of trust is simply going to hurt, and hurt pretty severely, leading to hopelessness that leads them to disengage or shut down. A trained therapist will help to dissipate the fog of depression. Like shock/denial and anger, depression is a completely natural response—and your therapist will be prepared to help you process it in a healthy way.

Acceptance: Acceptance does not mean giving up, or absolving the other party of responsibility full stop. It simply means acknowledging the reality of the situation, by moving beyond the shock, anger, bargaining, and depression. Finally, acceptance can take many forms, but once you’re able to accept that the affair happened—and caused hurt—and you’re ready and willing to work toward recovering the relationship, then you’re on the right path.

How Can I Help My Partner Heal After Infidelity?

If a partner who cheated is asking this question, that’s a really good sign. It indicates that they’re not just committed to atoning in order to resolve their own feelings of guilt and get things back to normal. And it shows something really vital: that the person who cheated knows they hurt their partner and they want, more than anything, to help them to recover. If you’re looking for signs your marriage will survive infidelity, this certainly counts.

This won’t always be easy, though. Some individuals experience traumatic infidelity syndrome, a form of PTSD that can be tough to shake without the help of a trained professional. Specific trauma-related symptoms a therapist will look for include:

Unresolved anger or mood swings
Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks
Heightened anxiety
Difficulty trusting intimate partners (and others)
Emotional detachment or numbness
Aversion to future commitment
Persistent worrying or defensiveness
Difficulty sleeping and/or concentrating, foggy thinking

Not only will a qualified marriage counselor be able to identify these symptoms, but they’ll also know the best strategies for helping their patients to understand them, process them, and start building better patterns and habits.

Does therapy help with cheating?

Therapy can absolutely help, especially if you turn to a therapist who specializes in infidelity or affair recovery. However, if you don’t know what to expect in couples therapy after infidelity, it can cause a great deal of discomfort and anxiety. Here are a few of the key ways a therapist can help couples after an affair, which also serve as the primary goals for couples therapy after infidelity:

They can help you understand how the affair happened, and help you rekindle the spark of intimacy. A therapist will help both parties understand and process their own—and their partner’s—feelings. Then, they’ll help the couple to explore how their dynamic may have shifted over time, and what factors they can identify that may have contributed to the affair. This will often involve exploring a range of issues in the relationship, from diminished intimacy or interest to ongoing resentment or difficulties with healthy communication.
They can uncover—and help you process—previous wounds. No relationship forms in a vacuum: both partners have histories, including past relationships and traumas. Within the context of a relationship, especially marriage, partners’ past traumas can inadvertently creep into the relationship and alter its dynamic. A therapist will provide the right environment for these root issues to be uncovered and processed.
They will offer impartial insights and guidance. When emotions are high, it can be tremendously difficult to be impartial. A therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery will bring a structured approach, based on research and established best practices, to keep conversations productive and prevent either partner from feeling unheard or even attacked.
They’ll help each partner learn more about themselves. As much as we might try to be self-aware and emotionally intelligent, we don’t always realize our own unhealthy patterns. This is true whether they involve relationship-building, communication, trust, commitment, or any other number of factors. A therapist’s approach to infidelity recovery can help one or both partners to better understand how they might be unconsciously sabotaging themselves or the marriage.
They’ll help you establish better communication, openness, and trust. These are lifelong skills that provide the foundation for personal growth and a healthier overall relationship. You can expect to be introduced to some new techniques that won’t just help you recover from infidelity, but have an even greater understanding of each other moving forward.
They’ll help you understand and manage infidelity symptoms. Especially while the emotional wounds are still fresh, it requires a decent amount of work—and professional support—to take inventory of the various symptoms of infidelity. Some will be evident, since you’re already exploring the option of infidelity recovery counseling. Others may not be so easy to identify and diagnose. Think of therapy as a roadmap for making these discoveries, processing them, and developing strategies for moving forward.
They’ll offer specific perspectives and tactics for each partner. While a large portion of infidelity recovery therapy will be a joint conversation between the therapist and both parties, a therapist also knows the value of 1:1 discussions with each partner. This helps each partner to feel a little more comfortable exploring thoughts and feelings they might not be sure how to discuss with their partner in the room. For the person who committed the affair, for example, this includes helping them understand the impact of their infidelity on their betrayed spouse, as well as how to atone after cheating.

Trying to solve such monumental marriage problems on your own isn’t just difficult, it’s really not recommended. Working with a marriage counselor helps you avoid falling into unproductive traps, like arguing over who’s most to blame—or, at the other end of the spectrum, falsely thinking that everything will be OK without putting in the work.

If you’re at either end of that spectrum or somewhere in the middle, you’re certainly not alone.

You would probably be surprised how many couples decide to seek out a qualified counselor only once they’ve realized that the blame cycles and rose-colored glasses aren’t helping them to process and move beyond marital issues. In many cases, they discover how the right therapy environment can empower both partners to express themselves truly, feel their feelings fully, and develop mutual empathy.

We know that surviving infidelity isn’t always easy, but we also understand that the emotional rollercoaster you’re on can be scary and exhausting.

How Successful Is Marriage Counseling After Infidelity?

Despite how scary it can feel, marriage counseling is effective more often than not. According to one study, around 70% of couples are able to stay together after infidelity—with many coming out the other side feeling like their relationship has, in fact, been strengthened through infidelity recovery therapy.

Now, these results aren’t instant, and will likely take weeks if not months. Therapists know this and will help couples understand what to expect, including various milestones they’ll try to achieve along the way. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery program has helped over 1,000 couples get their marriages back on track. If you’re willing to put in the time, we’ll be right there with you.

What Are Signs Your Marriage Will Survive Infidelity?

Because infidelity recovery doesn’t occur overnight, it can be tough to believe in the process when it’s first getting underway. There are some signs you can look for as indicators that your marriage has a good chance of surviving infidelity. Here are a few examples:

Genuine apologies have been made, and both partners are committed to saving the marriage.
Both partners are willing to admit their own faults, and acknowledge their partners’.
Both partners express a willingness to attend therapy, even though they know it will involve uncomfortable conversations and tricky emotions.
Both partners express a belief/hope that the marriage will be saved.
Both partners are willing to learn better ways to communicate and navigate conflicts.

If you’re looking for help, that in itself is a really encouraging sign and an important first step. At Well Marriage Center, we have physical locations as well as telehealth options, in order to make marriage counseling accessible to you when you need it. After all, finding an effective marriage counselor shouldn’t have to add any additional stress to the situation.

What Type of Therapy Is Best for Infidelity?

For couples that are committed to rebuilding the trust necessary to keep their marriage alive, infidelity or affair recovery therapy is an ideal place to start. At Well Marriage Center, our affair recovery therapists use a strengths-based approach to marriage counseling.

In other words, we take a glass half-full approach. Infidelity occurred (and it hurt), but focusing on what made you fall in love in the first place provides a better foundation for understanding and recovery than dwelling on either partner’s fallibility or rushing to assign blame. Instead, we take a patient, honest, and hopeful approach.

What Type of Therapist Should I See for Infidelity?

We recommend looking for a therapist or counselor who is experienced in infidelity or affair recovery. From there, it’s important to find a therapist whose core values about the sanctity of marriage and definition of “success” are in alignment with your own.

Any therapist you meet with should start off by discussing these very topics, not just to ensure a suitable fit but also to help you understand exactly what to expect over the course of your counseling program. This can include developing objectives together, thinking about what kind of timeline to expect, and more.

Ready to Take the First Step?

Whether you’re looking for marriage counseling, affair recovery, or even individual counseling, the team at Well Marriage Center is here to help. We know infidelity recovery can be an emotionally-charged, life-altering endeavor, but we believe there’s hope. That’s why our team is so motivated to empower individuals and couples with the tools and skills they need to rebuild trust and rekindle the love that originally brought them together.

We’re ready when you are. Reach out to schedule an appointment today.

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How to Heal from Infidelity Trauma

in Affair Recovery, forgiveness, Hope

If you’ve recently discovered that your partner had an affair, then you may be experiencing infidelity trauma. You may be feeling debilitating, painful emotions you’ve never experienced before and struggle to get on with your daily life. Infidelity hurts, for both you and your partner. As much as it is traumatic now, though, there is hope. Infidelity recovery is possible. You and your partner can both heal from the affair emotionally while also growing closer to one another in the process.

It’s important to note that even if you decide to call it quits after an affair, working together with a clinician who specializes in infidelity recovery is extremely helpful. The resulting PTSD, anger, feelings of shame and unworthiness, all of these can be processed in a healthy way so you’re not carrying such heavy baggage and developing negative coping mechanisms in the future.

Why Does Infidelity Hurt So Much?

Infidelity is painful for several reasons, the biggest one being that humans are social beings. According to social psychologists Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman, humans rely on relationships to give us the emotional and physical connections we need to survive. When we experience social separation, such as that caused after an unfaithful act, we feel pain akin to physical pain. We weren’t meant to be alone, and the feelings of loneliness that may arise after an affair can leave people feeling wounded.

An affair also hurts because it is a broken commitment. When you are in a relationship with someone, you count on being able to trust and rely on that person. Acts of infidelity, however, disrupt the stability of that commitment. You may feel that your trust was misplaced and that everything you counted on was a lie.

Depending on whether you were the one betrayed or the one who betrayed, you may experience other feelings as well. The one betrayed will likely feel a huge drop in self-esteem because they think they weren’t good enough for their partner. The one who cheated may feel guilt or shame for breaking their promise to remain faithful and ultimately may feel inadequate. They may also feel a drop in self-esteem, fearing what others might think of them for cheating.

It’s natural to feel hurt after experiencing infidelity in your romantic relationship, and you should take the time to feel that pain. That is one step in recovering (something we’ll discuss in more detail later) and healing your relationship with your significant other.

How Do I Know if I Have Betrayal Trauma?

There are many signs of betrayal trauma, all of which stem from a violation of trust or well-being. What are the symptoms of betrayal trauma? They include:

Flashbacks: You may often think back to when your partner admitted to cheating, catching your partner cheating, or instances when you saw your partner and the other person involved together and didn’t know what was happening between them.
Severe anxiety: It can present itself in physical ways, such as heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and nausea or dizziness.
Uncontrollable thoughts or nightmares: You may start to think or dream about your partner and the other person involved together, your relationship ending, or what life will look like for you and your partner now. You may be obsessively looking over your relationship’s past with a critical eye, wondering if everything was a lie.
Humiliation: This symptom stems from comparing yourself to the person your partner cheated with. You may feel inferior to them, and your insecurities may come to the forefront of your mind. You may start to think that everyone sees your flaws and feel embarrassed by it. You may also feel humiliated that the affair happened and worry about what friends or family may think or if they knew.
Emotional numbing: This is a coping mechanism that the body takes on after a traumatic experience. It may come in the form of losing interest in the activities you normally enjoy; being unable to connect to your feelings, especially positive ones; and being unable to participate in life as usual.
Erratic moods or behaviors: It’s normal to feel a whole host of emotions after learning about your partner’s affair. One minute you may feel fine, and the next you may feel angry, sad, confused, or hopeless. These drastic changes in mood may cause you to lash out at others seemingly out of the blue, like getting stuck at a traffic light or having to wait in a long line at the grocery store.
Sleep difficulties: You may either sleep too much or too little after finding out about the cheating. People sleep too much when they feel they have no energy after the news or have nothing to get out of bed for. They sleep too little due to anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts keeping them awake.
Avoidance: These are behaviors related to making sure you don’t get involved in a certain situation or that you leave it immediately. After an affair, this may be directed at your partner and present itself as staying out of the same room as them, canceling plans made with them, or ignoring phone calls and text messages from them or others who know.
Isolation or withdrawal: This isolation may be from your parner or even from friends and family. Sometimes being alone feels safer than spending time with loved ones because your trust was broken, and it seems too difficult to be vulnerable with anyone else now.
Trust issues: An affair is a type of broken trust. When experiencing betrayal trauma, then, it’s common to have a difficult time trusting your partner or anyone else again.
Relationship difficulties: This symptom closely relates to trust issues because a lack of trust in others may cause you to distance yourself from friends and family. You may also lose interest in spending time with others or lash out, especially towards those who knew about the affair or were involved. These actions can lead to strains in any of your relationships, not just your romantic one.

If you experience any of these symptoms for months or years after you initially found out about the affair, and if these symptoms affect how you function from day to day, then you might have post-traumatic infidelity syndrome, also known as post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD). When you have PISD, triggers will set off the symptoms listed above and cause you to relive the experience.

What Are Triggers After Infidelity?

There are many triggers for betrayal trauma that can remind you of the betrayal or of what your relationship used to look like and set your emotions going again. Some might be the places where the affair took place, where you found out about the affair, or even where you and your partner had happy memories together. Your home can act as a trigger. People can also be triggers, especially those who knew about the affair or were involved.

Significant dates, such as anniversaries or birthdays, or music and movies tied to memories of your relationship or finding out about the affair can take you back to the day you discovered the betrayal as well. Physical and emotional distance and suspicious behavior act as triggers, too, because they may tempt you to think that your partner is still having an affair.

Despite the many triggers you may experience, you can learn how to get past infidelity triggers. They do not have to define you. First and foremost, let yourself feel the emotions that the triggers set off within you. Don’t try to avoid it. Instead, define the emotion and why you’re feeling it. Let yourself feel it until the moment passes. Journaling can help you with this process. From there, determine what you need to make yourself feel better. It could be anything from yoga to calling a friend to repeating self-affirmations. Deep breathing can also help with calming a racing heart and mind.

Seeking out a professional will also help hinder the effects of your triggers, and likely be the single best thing you can do for yourself. A specialized marriage counselor or couples therapist in particular can assist you and your partner on individual levels as well as your relationship overall because they have the most relevant training for efficient healing.

At Well Marriage Center, we understand that an affair takes a toll on relationships. We also know, though, that relationships can heal from infidelity as long as both parties are willing to work for it. It may take time, but you can move past your triggers and build a stronger relationship with your partner than you had before.

How Long Does It Take To Recover From Infidelity Trauma?

How long it takes to recover from infidelity trauma will vary from person to person. For some, it can take as little as several months to completely heal. However, it’s normal for the healing process to take a couple years, too. A lot of it depends on how long you and your partner have been together, how long the affair lasted, how many affairs there were, who was involved, the issues in the relationship from before the affair, and more. Working side-by-side with your partner as well as with a trained professional can help you two work through the recovery process and get you to a healthy point in your relationship a bit quicker.

If you decide to part after the affair, this is fine and normal as well. A specialized therapist can help with moving forward, faster, and healthier, either way.

How Do I Let Go of the Pain Caused by Infidelity?

To let go of the pain caused by an affair, there are some infidelity recovery stages you’ll have to go through first:

Discovery: This stage is merely about finding out that the affair happened. You may experience shock and the inability to control your emotions during this stage.
Reaction: During this stage, the entire wave of emotions starts to set in. If you’re feeling trauma from the affair, this is probably the stage you are in right now. To get past this stage, you’ll probably have to go through the five stages of grief, which are:

Denial: You go emotionally numb to make it through each day.
Anger: You become upset with your partner for having the affair, the person with whom they had the affair, and anyone who knew about it and didn’t tell you or try to stop it.
Bargaining: You try to get back to the life you used to have, no matter what it takes.
Depression: You start to question your entire relationship with your partner and whether any of it was real. You may also start to lose interest in the activities you used to enjoy and feel lonely.
Acceptance: You recognize that the past can’t be changed and decide to take active steps towards a brighter future.

Forgiveness: By this stage, you and your partner have probably done some healing on your own or with a therapist. Now you’ll start to discuss why the affair happened and what you can do to solve the issue. Hiring a marriage counselor like those at Well Marriage Center can be especially helpful in this stage because they can ensure that both people can explain how they’re feeling in a productive way rather than attacking the other person or causing more harm to the situation.
Recommitment and Reconciliation: In this final stage, you and your partner actively work to move past the affair. That’s not to say that you both forget about the affair. Instead, it means that the affair becomes a part of your story and a reason to work on making your relationship even stronger. You work as a team to make sure boundaries, communication, and expectations are honored in healthy ways that builds more intimacy and trust over time.

Does Reconciliation Work After Infidelity?

Yes, reconciliation can work after an affair as long as both you and your partner take active steps to move forward. That means the cheating partner has to give up the affair(s) completely and both of you make efforts to better communicate with one another and understand where the other person is coming from. Your marriage is never the same after infidelity, nor should it be. After all, there were existing issues in the marriage to lead to the affair in the first place. Instead, you and your partner should view the affair as a place to grow into a new, even better, relationship.

A good place to start in the reconciliation process is recognizing reasons not to divorce after infidelity, or not to separate if you’re not married The biggest reason not to do so is because both of you want to work through it. That’s a sign that you both still love each other and care enough about the relationship to save it. Also revisit how the marriage was before the affair occurred. Do you have several happy memories together? How strong was your bond? If you had a fairly good relationship before an affair, you have a strong base to start from to repair it.

Lastly, consider who will be affected if you and your partner divorce. It may be your kids or other family members. While this reason alone may not be enough to stop you and your partner from seeking out a divorce, it can play a factor when making your final decision.

Know that it is possible to reconcile a marriage after an affair. Talking to a marriage counselor can help you and your partner figure out how to start over in a marriage after infidelity.

Well Marriage Center: Your Place for Pro-Relationship Counseling

We at Well Marriage Center want to see your relationship succeed as much as you do. That’s why we take a pro-relationship approach in all couples and marriage counseling journeys, including working with couples after an affair. We help both you and your partner heal from infidelity trauma and build a better relationship.

Even when couples decide to separate after an affair, working with a licensed professional, especially one who specializes in affair recovery, can help both partners process and move forward. Working through the damaging effects can keep the trauma from snowballing into other areas of your lives.

We work with each partner individually and together, so they can express their emotions in a therapeutic way, understand where the other is coming from, and look at the relationship from an objective space so that any issues leading up to the affair can be addressed through being on the same page about boundaries, expectations, communication, intimacy, and more.

Seeking help when experiencing infidelity trauma is completely normal. In fact, it can give your relationship a leg up in the recovery process. If you’re ready to grow your relationship to its full potential, reach out to us to get started. You can also read more about infidelity on our blog or find a therapist near you.

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What Are Triggers After Infidelity?

in Affair Recovery

When the horribly unexpected occurs in a relationship, such as an affair, both people often feel isolated, ashamed, humiliated, angry, and hurt. These emotions may last months or even years down the road as triggers rekindle them, especially when not worked through in a healthy way. It is completely normal to experience these triggers! However, it is also possible to work through them as you take steps towards affair recovery.

Triggers After Being Cheated On

Triggers after cheating in a relationship are unfortunately common. They remind you of how your relationship used to be, what happened, and the whirlwind of negative emotions you felt surrounding the affair itself. Infidelity may even cause you to relive the affair, over and over, if bad enough. If not handled properly, some of these triggers can color your reactions in future relationships, as well. Some common triggers that affect people who have experienced an affair include:

Places: Your home can trigger thoughts and memories of the affair the most. It’s where you and your partner made a life together and was supposed to be your safe space. Photos around the house may cause you to question whether the relationship you and your partner had before even mattered or was real.

Other places that might trigger you include places where you and your significant other went on dates, where the affair happened, or where you were when you found out about the affair.

People: Anyone who knew about the affair before you can act as a trigger. These may be the other person/people involved with the cheating, family, friends, or coworkers.
Dates: On specific days, you might think about the affair more than other days. Such dates might be anniversaries, your partner’s birthday, or the date you found out about the affair.
Music/Movies: If your relationship had any music or movies associated with it, such as a wedding song or a movie you and your partner saw together, hearing or seeing them can send you on a rollercoaster of emotions. The same is true for anything that might have been playing when you found out about the affair.
Distance: Any physical or emotional distance between you and your significant other after you find out about the affair may make you question whether your partner is still in the affair or whether they may start another one.
Suspicious Behavior: If your partner hides their phone, doesn’t use a name when talking about someone, or takes their phone calls in a different room, you might start wondering whether your partner is still unfaithful.

How Long Do Infidelity Triggers Last?

How long infidelity triggers last will vary from person to person. For some, it may only take months. For others, it may take 2 or even 10 years after the infidelity to recover. How long the affair occurred, how long you and your partner have been together, and who else was involved in the affair can all affect how long you experience those triggers.

Another factor is how the trauma of infidelity is handled after discovery. Having neutral ground for each partner to express their perspective and emotions, getting to a place of understanding, managing negative reactions in a way that promotes healthy recovery–these practices and more can help you move forward. Working with a specialized relationship counselor can help you navigate these painful waters in the most effective way, tailored to your unique experience.

Infidelity really hurts, and it probably will for a while. However, when you properly work through your emotions, you can overcome those triggers.

How to Get Past Infidelity Triggers

The first step you should take when attempting to move past your infidelity triggers is to let yourself experience those emotions coursing through you. Bottling them up will render it much more difficult to unpack them down the road and can even cause you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms when dealing with infidelity years later. If you have a hard time processing your emotions and understanding exactly why you feel them, writing them down or talking to a trusted family member, friend, or counselor can help.

Once you let yourself feel those emotions, do something that might cheer you up. Meditation practices, positive self-talk, and physical activity can release endorphins, which are hormones that help your brain reduce stress and anxiety.

Working through long-term infidelity effects with your partner, while especially difficult in the beginning, can help you overcome your triggers and be a rewarding experience. Your relationship or marriage is never the same after infidelity, but that’s not always a bad thing. When you and your partner are both willing to rebuild your relationship, you may discover that you’re starting on stabler ground than you did before. From there, you can build something bigger and more beautiful than you had and leave those triggers in the past. Hiring a couples therapist or marriage counselor can help with that process in the most efficient way.

Rebuild Your Relationship With Well Marriage Center

Recovering from infidelity trauma is difficult. Even when you and your partner both want to start fresh, you may find days that even being in the same room as your partner prompts waves of emotions. The marriage counselors and couples therapists at Well Marriage Center understand that affair recovery takes time but that working through it with your partner is well worth the effort.

Our services are pro-relationship, meaning we don’t recommend separation unless that’s the only way both people can move forward. We also work with individuals who have decided to separate and want help navigating the healing process. Whether you are concerned about repairing your relationship or working through your emotions and triggers with your partner by your side, or are wanting to heal as an individual, we are here to help. Schedule an appointment to take your first step toward recovery.

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