Posts

Marriage Bonding Analogy

in , ,

I want to pass along a wonderful email from one of our clients after their very first visit with us.  He wrote it himself and gave us permission to share it. Marriage analogies are hit and miss but this one seems like a home run. We shared it at staff meeting and I think many of our counselors are sharing it with their couples. This comes from a man with basically 20 years in the construction industry and I’m grateful for creative people like him who can help simplify broader concepts. I hope it’s helpful for your marriage…

“Just a note of thanks to Mary today for our first session. It was nice to have an outsider’s view into our marriage, and I wanted to share something with you all that I wrote this morning just before heading out of DC for our appointment.
Take care and thanks so much for being here.”

-Adam
_________

The Bonding Capacity of Humans

Intimacy and Love are qualitative forms of expression that have some interesting similarities to the bonding of adhesives. This may not be the most romantic way of discussing this topic, but as I have been in construction for 19 years now, I can’t help but notice the patterns.

When we don’t like something, but cannot get rid of it, we often say we are “stuck with it,” but if we want to stay with someone, the closeness that is represented by that statement also has a bond associated with it.

If you have ever tried to apply tape to a dirty surface, you know that the dirt sticks to the tape, and the tape becomes useless. If you don’t know how to prepare the surface for adhesion, you are wasting time, energy, and money.

In order for two people to “stick together,” both people need to be “bondable.”

We have to want someone to be attached to us, and they must want someone attached to them. This is not a law that must be submitted to, but simply a process that needs to be understood if you want a better relationship.

Our “bond-ability” can change over time, and is most often heavily influenced by how we interact with each other. It’s not just a one-time event that defines our attachment to each other, nor can it be defined or maintained by a legal contract or any other means of authority.

On the contrary, the bonding capacity of humans is an ongoing, dynamic and iterative process where the results of prior interactions feed back into the bonding equations of the future, as they have a direct impact on how we allow others to stick to us and how much we want to stick to others.


Get Started

 

Our Marriage Had To Change

in , , , , , , ,

Several of our couples have sent us the link to “The Third Metric,” a feature story from the The Huffington Post about 4 couples who are prioritizing well-being and fun ahead of wealth, status, and being constantly “on.” It’s been a deliberate change in values that have transformed their marriages. These stories have inspired us as counselors, so we wanted to pass them along to you.  In the go-go-go modern world and economy, it’s often the day-to-day stress and busyness that eats away at our marriages.  Hopefully this will inspire conversation between you and your partner about your shared vision for your marriage:

The Moment They Knew Their Marriage Had To Change

If you find yourself wishing for change…

Please remember there are resources out there, like us at Well Marriage Center. We use a strengths-based approach to help you build a better relationship, together. We find stories like the ones in the link inspiring, and it reminds us of the successes we’ve had with our own clients. It can really help to have an expert in relationship science help guide you through the changes you want from your lives and relationships.


Get Started

 

 

 

 

 

Take Back Your Marriage!

in

We at Well Marriage Center are unabashed fans of Dr. William (Bill) Doherty. His book, Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World that Pulls us Apart, is often something we recommend to young couples just starting out on the marriage journey. But over the past several years, we’ve been recommending this book to every couple currently engaged, in marriage, or in a marriage-type relationship.

We all need this book!  Here’s why:

We know the statistics, and yes, they are grim. 1 in 4 currently married couples are likely to divorce. The rate jumps to 40%-50% when projecting the divorce rate for newly married couples – the highest in human history. We clearly have a problem.

But, research and polls indicate an overwhelming majority (most of us) still want and desire a permanent marital commitment someday. Our deepest longing is for stable, intimate bonds.

It’s just that we’re scared… and for good reason. We see the statistics, we see our parents, our friends, our family – and we question whether or not the ideal of marriage is possible in today’s world.

It is possible! But we must wake up to a new marriage reality. Dr. Doherty:

  • Our marriages can’t be the marriages of our parents and grandparents. Too much has changed than ever before in human history – we now aspire to greater equality between men and women and higher levels of emotional intimacy in marriage
  • Modern marriages require more mindfulness than marriages of the past. We expect more from marriage, but we have not yet woken up to that fact.
  • Success in marriage today requires two ingredients that no previous generation has ever had to put together: powerful commitment combined with an intentional focus on maintaining and growing one’s marriage.

Our problem is not a lack of love or noble intentions. It’s that we don’t know what we’re up against in contemporary marriage – we don’t have a strategy to care for and nurture our marriage or take it back when we start to lose it.

Well Marriage Center is here to help you. We’re trained exclusively and work exclusively with and for couples. We understand the dynamics, challenges, and problems your modern marriage faces – and we’re here to help you find and plan a strategy that allows to you Take Back Your Marriage. We believe most every couple can grow and thrive…together!

Click here to learn about the specialized Well Marriage Center approach for helping you take back your marriage…


Get Started

Healthy TEAM Parenting

in

A couple came to us last week with this challenge:

“We can’t agree on parenting. We were raised very differently. Many of our arguments center around different ways of raising our children, but we both feel very passionate about our reasons for parenting the way we do…”

We hear this all the time from parents with newborns all the way to parents of teenagers. We’re even beginning to see new challenges and tensions in parenting adult children, especially post-Covid.

Healthy TEAM Parenting
Healthy co-parenting is vital for a good marriage and for your child’s well-being. Research shows that one of the main causes of oppositional behavior in children is having two different parenting styles.

Think about it: What if you had to work for two different bosses every day, each of whom gave you very different instructions or requests? How confusing and frustrating that would be! How would you know how to operate? What was expected or allowed? What the (real) consequences or benefits would be?

The good news is there are tools and strategies you can implement so both of you are honored and respected.Parenting as a TEAM promotes healthy family identity, lowers the stress for all of you, and actually prevents bigger problems down the road.

This doesn’t require a 3 or 6 month commitment to therapy. Often in just 4 to 6 meetings we can show you what really works to make a great parenting team and customize tools you can implement immediately for your unique family situation.

Get started with us today to learn how we can help your relationship and your family…

Mary Baker, LPC has trained with renowned Family Therapist Louise Guerney and has developed a four to six week program to help couples form healthy and team-centered parental bonds.


Get Started

You CAN Save Your Marriage

in

My granddaughter, age 3, encountered a see-saw (teeter-totter) for the first time last weekend. She literally giggled out loud with how easily she could move up and down with her 2 year old brother (who was being carefully supported by their mother) on the other end. It was all fun and games…until grandpa sat down on the other end.

Of course I balanced my weight at first so we could each go up and down. But after a little bit, this grandpa got tired and needed a quick break. I sat. I was heavy. Seeing my granddaughter confused, stuck high on the other end of this tiny see-saw, made me think of the confused look many couples that see me often have:

“Wait, what happened?”  “How did we get stuck?”
More importantly, “Can and how do we get down (unstuck)?”

Positive Override

Marriages begin with what renowned and leading marriage/couple psychologist Dr. John Gottman describes as a high, positive “set” point. It’s almost like the default position of the relationship. No matter what, most things are seen and experienced through this default lens. When the positive “set” point is high, couples are less likely to interpret things critically, or as a personal attack, or believe their relationship can ever be derailed. It takes far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your set point were lower.

Negative Override – when marriages gets heavy

But over time, anger, irritations, and resentment can build to the point that it’s like being a 3 year old on a See Saw with a tired grandfather. It can build for 2 years, or 5 years, or even 20 years, but if that balance tilts, and you slip from positive override into negative override, then everything begins to be interpreted more and more negatively. Marriage gets heavy.  Words said in a neutral tone get interpreted negatively. You interpret your spouse and your relationship more and more negatively. You think you’ve married the wrong person – or a person who is completely different than who you initially married. You get stuck. It’s as if there is a boulder on the other end of the see-saw. It’s no fun and in fact toxic.  And then you want to get off the See Saw and play with another toy.

Bottom line: Can I Save My Marriage?

I’ve been doing couples counseling for over 25 years now and what I can tell you is this: there is hope and there is good news for your relationship!   I’ve helped thousands of couples re-learn how to live and think in a way that notices what is strong and desirable about their partner and marriage, to tilt the balance of their relationship back into their favor. Couples who have completely lost hope have been amazed at this approach. I’ll be honest: it’s not as easy or simple as it might sound.  You’ll want an experienced guide or coach helping you figure out the steps and avenues to make it happen in your particular situation with your unique dynamic. But I’ve seen so many couples who thought they were done find renewed love, commitment, and a better relationship with each other. I believe it’s possible for you too!

Do yourself a favor: find a counselor or coach who works from a strengths-based, positive approach. Find a counselor or coach who is going to get in there with you and be active with you, someone who can help you work through some of the causes and pressure points of negativity in a way that relieves and revives your marriage instead of harming it, someone who is going to work with you to discern the steps and activities your specific relationships need to get itself back into positive override!


Get Started

Ninja Marriage Counseling!

in
How do you choose a counselor for your relationship?

You want to know a secret? Actually, it’s pretty much an open secret these days: most therapists don’t enjoy couples counseling. (See the recent New York Times article regarding this revelation below). This may not seem like a shock or a big deal, but the truth of the matter is it is significant, especially if you are searching for a couples or marriage counselor to help your relationship.

Most therapists are trained almost exclusively in one-on-one counseling. That’s where the majority of their supervision and experience has been. They’re trained to diagnose mental and emotional distress and begin a treatment plan for that individual. Counselors are your classic ‘good guys’ (and ‘gals’); the empathetic and accepting therapists who are especially concerned about creating a safe space for you. The problem is, the more passive “uh-huh, uh-huh, hmmm,” type of individual counseling just isn’t effective with couples – and certainly not helpful for a relationship.

This is why most counselors dread couples counseling. Relationships can be messy: the stakes are high and there can be volatility, secrets, triangles, and uncertainty. The following New York Times article describes couples counseling as “piloting a helicopter in the midst of a hurricane.” We don’t think it’s that bad, but for many counselors, couples therapy can be frightening because it’s a tremendous challenge to actually be of help when two strong individuals are colliding.

That’s why you need a ninja! :) Terry Real says it best in the following article when he talks about the best couple’s counselors: “You have to like action. To manage marital combat, a therapist needs to get in there, mix it up with the client, be a ninja. This is intimidating (for many counselors).”

The bottom line is: couples counseling is very different from individual counseling. When looking around, make sure the counselor you choose to assist your relationship has the majority of her or his experience with couples. Make sure their approach is an active one, one in which they get in there with you and aren’t intimidated. Make sure they won’t cause your relationship more harm than good. Make sure you find yourself a ninja!

Read here: the New York Times article entitled, “Does Couples Therapy Work?”

(Well Marriage Center offers both a safe space AND ninja counseling for your relationship.  In fact, we specialize in marriage and couples counseling!  Read about Our Approach and feel free to ask questions!)

Marriage Counseling McLean VA

in

Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with office locations convenient to McLean, VA and the surrounding areas.

Marriage Counseling in Northern VA

in

Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

We provide couples / marriage counseling Northern VA

Marriage Counseling in Fairfax, VA

in

Welcome to Well Marriage Center!  We understand it can be intimidating to consider couples counseling when your relationship runs into difficulty.  Plenty of questions run through people’s minds: “Will this help?” “How long does it last?” “How much money will this cost us?” “What if the counselor doesn’t think we can be helped?”

Click here to begin at our homepage: Well Marriage Center

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.  Our commitment to you is to provide a safe, “marriage-friendly” approach that supports the probability that you can save and improve your relationship.  We want that for you and we believe you can make it happen!  For over 25 years we’ve sat with couples just like you, couples who have run into minor bumps or significant potholes, couples who wondered if their relationship could even be saved.  The great news is this: countless couples have echoed almost the identical statement, “several months ago I never would have imagined our relationship could be this good again.”

Well Marriage Center specializes in couples and marriage counseling in Northern VA, among other locations. We utilize a combination of therapeutic and wellness (strengths-based) models, we study the latest research, we engage with the leaders in our field, and we work exclusively with relationships or relationship dynamics.  Trust your relationship to a couple’s specialist!

Quick Links:
Our Counselors          Our Approach          Our Locations

Ask A Question          Schedule An Appointment

We provide couples / marriage counseling to the Northern VA community, with offices in Fairfax Virginia (VA) & Leesburg Virginia (VA).